God is working on me.
Please allow me just a brief moment to express the overwhelming excitement that I find myself experiencing since I decided to start this blog before I get into the real meat & potatoes of this post…
I’m walking around my borough feeling like the Christian Carrie Bradshaw everybody. I’m telling you, narration straight out of SATC minus the sex(
especially since my hymen has regenerated itself by now), going on in my head as I type this. At least I’m in alignment with a portion of God’s will and what’s better than that? Nada. This blog is going to be LIFE-CHANGING. EEK!
God is working on me, can you tell?
At the tail end of 2012, I was going through one of my depressive states. Well, let me start from the beginning.
2012 was a year where I can say that I developed my OWN faith in God. When I say “my own”, I don’t mean the faith that you see your mother, father, pastor, elder, aunt, uncle in the church operate on. I’m talking your very own faith and relationship with God that you develop over time based on your own experiences in life.
I always thought that I got saved when I was 17 during a youth conference better known as “BattleCry” run by Ron Luce and the (not-so) good people at Teen Mania (if you watched the documentary as I did, you would understand where my conflict stems from) but I’m starting to believe that I really got saved in 2012, at 21 one late night in my (shared) room. I mean, when I was 17 all the bells and whistles were there so it makes sense that my brain would associate that to be THE moment I was filled with the Holy Spirit and finally set my mind to be “on fire for Christ”, or whatever that means.
Does it matter when you finally get saved or can we just thank God that it happened?
2012 was a roughest, most gratifying year I’ve had in about 4 years. Not to say that God wasn’t working and moving in my life between 2008-2011 or even before that because MYYY MYYYY MYYYYYYY He surely was and I bless His name for every one of those days He kept me, but I do think He was waiting for me to make my move. Am I making sense?
Long story short, I dropped out of school before they could kick me out (I thought I was slick…) grades were in the shitter, I was suffering from a serious case of depression for 3 years, maybe longer before that according to my
doctor mother (because she claims that she could tell), horrible anxiety problems. Why was I staying in a situation just to maintain this facade for family and friends when I needed help? (Funny thing, I was thinking of calling this dropout situation a “Major Leap of Faith” but I’d be lying and laying it on pretty thick)
There were many times when I turned to my Word and leaned on the Lord for help, strength- the usual; it was done in vain because 5 minutes later I would revert to taking part in destructive behavior that was detrimental to every aspect of my being. I wasn’t living for 3 years. I was a zombie. I made connections with people that I can say were real, but when I was able to close my door every night and have to DEAL with myself?! Looking back now, I’m thankful to God for that little voice(which was a little louder than the devil’s) that kept me alive.
Finally moving back home was CHAOS. Fights with my mother every.single.day for a month. My father was afraid to speak to me. My parents were even contemplating sending me away to Guyana for as long as I needed, to get better. Obviously in this West Indian household they were certainly not sending me to a licensed professional for help, OH GOD FORBID. I turned down the Guyana trip because I knew it would cost my parents too much. I stayed in my room for months. Just laying in my bed. For two months straight. Where was my help? God.
My help truly came from God.
Y’all, God dealt with me real good when I was in my bed just laying in my filth (not unhygienic filth) but you understand, I hope. I got a chance to reflect on my WHOLE life up until that point. And, at some point in all of this I believe I was saved.
I went the whole year from where I believe I was saved to now living the greatest year of my life.
The end of 2012 though, was a bit depressing because the devil definitely tried me. The devil tried to steal my joy and lie to me about my life thus far and my life going forward but I think I put him in his place(GET BEHIND ME SATAN!) It’s not like he tries any new, groundbreaking, exclusive tactics to break my mindset or ruin my life. It’s always the same two things: lying and stealing. Tuh. What a sucker.
Moving forward, God is working on me still and I do believe this season is my season. I’m unequally yoked in the most subtle way (I cuss a lil, stick to a 2 drink max when I’m out, I lust from afar ) and of course that doesn’t make being unequally yoked a good thing but like I said, God is working on me.